Sorry folks. It’s been several years since my last post. I ran into a rough time with my Bipolar 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder. Finally my psychiatrist found the right cocktail of meds. As far as the Borderline goes, people there is hope! I no longer meet all the criteria for the diagnosis! It took a lot of hard work in therapy but it was worth it!
I have my life back! I’m living again and enjoying every bit of it! I know that things can change quickly, but for now, I’m thankful to my God for the blessing he is giving me!
One of my favorite Bible verses is Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” Oh what a promise! I had grown very weary of all the craziness that was my life!
God has renewed my strength! If you are having mental health issues, know that there is hope! Hope of feeling alive again! Turn your broken mind and heart over to the Lord God Almighty!
It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in every thing, that I forget to do the things I enjoy. Since I have written last I have been manic once or twice, and in a depression. The ol’ Bipolar has been kicking my butt. I have been having some bad rages for a long time now. I had gotten better, but then they started up with a vengeance!
With me they start off with irritability, then proceed to full blown rage in a very short time period. I go off on people, yelling, screaming obsentities, or even worse, throwing objects and tearing up things. My case manager said that I seem to rage mainly at family’ and not much at anyone else. There is a lot of stress in our family. I am able to hold the rage in better with other people.
What scares me is that I feel like I’m so out of control. Sometimes I don’t even remember what all I said or did until someone tells me. Then I feel guilty about it all when I become aware of it! People with Bipolar are this way often. People without Bipolar don’t understand how we feel in our heads when this happens. The all consuming irritability and anger, the great release we feel when we rage, are all countered by the guilt we feel later for hurting someone or destroying something.
I am a Christian, so when I rage, I am displeasing God. The Bible plainly talks against anger and wrath. It says for the sun to not go down and you to be angry. How many of us can say that we are rid of our anger before we go to bed? I know I cant. I usually wake up just as angry as I was when I went to bed the night before, sometimes its worse. Not a good way to start off the day!
As a Christian, I know that rages are sinful, but yet I still do it impulsively. I don’t have an answer of how to stop raging, because I haven’t learned to my self. I am working on it in counseling. I believe that as a child of God, He makes ways for us to find our way out of raging. 1 Corinthians 10:13. It will be by trial and error Im sure for us to learn how to control it. My suggestion is to pray diligently for God to give your mind peace.
For all those out there who struggle with raging, I will pray for God to show us the way out and give us his peace!
Sometimes people come into our life, then leave. They could have changed us for the better or the worse during the time we knew them.
I had some one come into my life a year and a half ago who has changed my life for the better in many ways. I was assigned to a case manager named Lauren. Her job was too help me understand my mental health diagnoses, and addictions. At first I was very skeptical about how much she could help me because she is very young and right out of college. As she worked with me, I came to respect her and what she was doing for me. I grew to get very attached to her.
She helped me through the mania and depression of Bipolar Disorder and the irrational thinking of Borderline Personality Disorder. She helped me regain some self-esteem that I had lost 10 years ago. She has recently helped me see that there are things I can be successful at. Because of her I am taking some online classes to help me review the subjects I used to teach, so that I can start tutoring in those subjects this fall. I never would have done this without her support and encouragement.
This past Tuesday I got a call from her that devastated me. She was being promoted and could not see me anymore. I felt that I was being abandoned. This is common for Borderline Personalities. I felt that I was the cause of her leaving. I was being very irrational. I called my counselor and told her what was going on. I couldn’t control the anger, and loss I was feeling at the time. My counselor helped me see that I had nothing to do with it, it was an opportunity for my case manager that she needed to take.
My counselor reminded me of the verse (Ecclesiastes 3:1) that says that “To everything there is a season” (a time to laugh ad a time to cry). There was a lot of laughter in our meetings, and a lot of tears. But now it is time for Lauren to move on. She is leaving me in the hands of another case manager she trusts very much, so even though she is moving on, she is still looking out for me.
She wants me to keep in touch with her by e-mail. So, I don’t feel quite as lost.
God sent her in the time when I needed her. Isn’t it amazing what God has planned for us? Isn’t it also amazing how he can put the right person in our life at the right time?
When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I wondered why God was punishing me. What had I done so wrong to deserve the hell I was going through? The mania, the depression, the psychosis that plagued me on a daily basis, why God why?
For ten years I have asked myself that question. In the meantime I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and Panic Disorder. That really made me want to know what I did to deserve this! I lived in fear of how God would “punish” me next. Everyone would talk about God as being a loving God, when I saw him as mean and punishing. I threw my fists up at God everytime I would have an episode of mania or depression.
My spiritual counselor , over a three year period, has helped me begin to see God as a loving God. She has shown me that by Jesus dying on the cross, God was showing an ultimate love. God often shows me love through my mental illness. He is there when I feel out of my mind and alone. He is there when I feel so depressed that I feel suicidal. He is there with me when I am psychotic and being told by voices in my head telling me to hurt myself, or that I am not worth anything.
God has shown me great love through my illness also. He has made me very creative. He has given me greater appreciation for the good days, when I am mentally stable. I have a greater appreciation also for anyone who work with us that are struggling with mental illness. But most importantly, it has given me more compassion to the mentally ill and the disabled.
When I was 13 I accepted Jesus as my savior. Now I question myself if it was out of fear of a punishing God, or out of a true belief and love for him. Another thing to think about and discuss with my counselor.
The question is still “why did God allow me to have these mental illnesses?”. I want to think it was to make me appreciate the people and things I have in my life. However, the main reason I think he allowed it too happen was to bring me into a better relationship with him, now that I am beginning to believe that He is a loving God!
Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from tough or bad situations.
I heard this word many times but did not fully understand it’s meaning. It wasn’t untilI personally had to try to “bounce back” from bad situations and circumstances that I came to truly understand it.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder in 2004. It turned my life up-side down. I was in a profession I loved dearly, but I had to quit when the Bipolar became too troublesome. I was put on SSI Disability then. I had suddenly lost all sense of who I was as a person. I didn’t deal with tis well, I didn’t know how too.
In 2011, my two youngest children were taken by CPS because I could no longer take care of them. I had Lithium poisoning and was not able to take care of myself, or my house, but most importantly my family, both physically and financially. Always being strong in my faith in God, at this time I grew to hate God for allowing me to have the Bipolar, and for taking my sons away. Once again, I did not know anyting about being resilient.
I started seeing my life-saving counselor at that time. She helped me through figuring out how to deal with all this. She helped me see that I shouldn’t hate God, that this was all a part of his masterplan. She helped me to gain my faith back. I prayed every day that God would help me through this, for me to learn to be more resilient. With the guidance of my counselor I began to learn about resilience. 2 1/2 years later when I had come to accept the fact that I would not see my children again, God brought them back into my life by his working through other people. God had answered prayer in a huge way, and I had learned to be more resilient in the process!
I am in a situation again in my life where I am struggling with my faith and being resilient. It makes me think of Job of the Bible. Job was a very wealthy man. God allowed many bad things to happen to Job. His family, cattle, sheep, and everything he owned. He kept up his faith and in the end, God blessed him greatly. Job was resilient.
I am still learning about being resilient. Someday I want to be as resilient as Job.