It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in every thing, that I forget to do the things I enjoy. Since I have written last I have been manic once or twice, and in a depression. The ol’ Bipolar has been kicking my butt. I have been having some bad rages for a long time now. I had gotten better, but then they started up with a vengeance!
With me they start off with irritability, then proceed to full blown rage in a very short time period. I go off on people, yelling, screaming obsentities, or even worse, throwing objects and tearing up things. My case manager said that I seem to rage mainly at family’ and not much at anyone else. There is a lot of stress in our family. I am able to hold the rage in better with other people.
What scares me is that I feel like I’m so out of control. Sometimes I don’t even remember what all I said or did until someone tells me. Then I feel guilty about it all when I become aware of it! People with Bipolar are this way often. People without Bipolar don’t understand how we feel in our heads when this happens. The all consuming irritability and anger, the great release we feel when we rage, are all countered by the guilt we feel later for hurting someone or destroying something.
I am a Christian, so when I rage, I am displeasing God. The Bible plainly talks against anger and wrath. It says for the sun to not go down and you to be angry. How many of us can say that we are rid of our anger before we go to bed? I know I cant. I usually wake up just as angry as I was when I went to bed the night before, sometimes its worse. Not a good way to start off the day!
As a Christian, I know that rages are sinful, but yet I still do it impulsively. I don’t have an answer of how to stop raging, because I haven’t learned to my self. I am working on it in counseling. I believe that as a child of God, He makes ways for us to find our way out of raging. 1 Corinthians 10:13. It will be by trial and error Im sure for us to learn how to control it. My suggestion is to pray diligently for God to give your mind peace.
For all those out there who struggle with raging, I will pray for God to show us the way out and give us his peace!