Raging

It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in every thing, that I forget to do the things I enjoy. Since I have written last I have been manic once or twice, and in a depression. The ol’ Bipolar has been kicking my butt. I have been having some bad rages for a long time now. I had gotten better, but then they started up with a vengeance!

With me they start off with irritability, then proceed to full blown rage in a very short time period. I go off on people, yelling, screaming obsentities, or even worse, throwing objects and tearing up things. My case manager said that I seem to rage mainly at family’ and not much at anyone else. There is a lot of stress in our family. I am able to hold the rage in better with other people.

What scares me is that I feel like I’m so out of control. Sometimes I don’t even remember what all I said or did until someone tells me. Then I feel guilty about it all when I become aware of it! People with Bipolar are this way often. People without Bipolar don’t understand how we feel in our heads when this happens. The all consuming irritability and anger, the great release we feel when we rage, are all countered by the guilt we feel later for hurting someone or destroying something.

I am a Christian, so when I rage, I am displeasing God. The Bible plainly talks against anger and wrath. It says for the sun to not go down and you to be angry. How many of us can say that we are rid of our anger before we go to bed? I know I cant. I usually wake up just as angry as I was when I went to bed the night before, sometimes its worse. Not a good way to start off the day!

As a Christian, I know that rages are sinful, but yet I still do it impulsively. I don’t have an answer of how to stop raging, because I haven’t learned to my self. I am working on it in counseling. I believe that as a child of God, He makes ways for us to find our way out of raging. 1 Corinthians 10:13. It will be by trial and error Im sure for us to learn how to control it.  My suggestion is to pray diligently for God to give your mind peace.

For all those out there who struggle with raging, I will pray for God to show us the way out and give us his peace!

Support system

I also have had a wonderful counselor. There are bad counselors, good counselors, and those who go beyond what they are supposed to do to help a person. We really do need more of the last type!

Talking About Bipolar

A support system is an invaluable tool for getting and staying mentally healthy.

Your support system may or may not include family and good friends, but it definitely should include a good psychiatrist and therapist.

Your psychiatrist should be a person who listens to you so he/she knows if your medication needs to be adjusted or changed.  He/she should also be able to tell by talking with you if your are improving and if you need to be seen more often or less.  You will never have to stop but the time in between your visits should be longer.  Most important, they should sit down, ask you questions and really listen to your answers as well as make sure your questions are answered.

I believe that a good therapist is a key support person.  They should genuinely care about you as an individual and you should be able to feel…

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Moving On

Sometimes people come into our life, then leave. They could have changed us for the better or the worse during the time we knew them.

I had some one come into my life a year and a half ago who has changed my life for the better in many ways. I was assigned to a case manager named Lauren. Her job was too help me understand my mental health diagnoses, and addictions. At first I was very skeptical about how much she could help me because she is very young and right out of college. As she worked with me, I came to respect her and what she was doing for me. I grew to get very attached to her.

She helped me through the mania and depression of Bipolar Disorder and the irrational thinking of Borderline Personality Disorder. She helped me regain some self-esteem that I had lost 10 years ago. She has recently helped me see that there are things I can be successful at. Because of her I am taking some online classes to help me review the subjects I used to teach, so that I can start tutoring in those subjects this fall. I never would have done this without her support and encouragement.

This past Tuesday I got a call from her that devastated me. She was being promoted and could not see me anymore. I felt that I was being abandoned. This is common for Borderline Personalities. I felt that I was the cause of her leaving. I was being very irrational. I called my counselor and told her what was going on. I couldn’t control the anger, and loss I was feeling at the time. My counselor helped me see that I had nothing to do with it, it was an opportunity for my case manager that she needed to take.

My counselor reminded me of the verse (Ecclesiastes 3:1) that says that “To everything there is a season”  (a time to laugh ad a time to cry). There was a lot of laughter in our meetings, and a lot of tears. But now it is time for Lauren to move on. She is leaving me in the hands of another case manager she trusts very much, so even though she is moving on, she is still looking out for me.

She wants me to keep in touch with her by e-mail. So, I don’t feel quite as lost.

God sent her in the time when I needed her. Isn’t it amazing what God has planned for us? Isn’t it also amazing how he can put the right person in our life at the right time?

 

GOD’S LOVE AND MENTAL ILLNESS

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I wondered why God was punishing me. What had I done so wrong to deserve the hell I was going through? The mania, the depression, the psychosis that plagued me on a daily basis, why God why?

For ten years I have asked myself that question. In the meantime I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and Panic Disorder. That really made me want to know what I did to deserve this! I lived in fear of how God would “punish” me next. Everyone would talk about God as being a loving God, when I saw him as mean and punishing. I threw my fists up at God everytime I would have an episode of mania or depression.

My spiritual counselor , over a three year period, has helped me begin to see God as a loving God. She has shown me that by Jesus dying on the cross, God was showing an ultimate love. God often shows me love through my mental illness. He is there when I feel out of my mind and alone. He is there when I feel so depressed that I feel suicidal. He is there with me when I am psychotic and being told by voices in my head telling me to hurt myself, or that I am not worth anything.

God has shown me great love through my illness also. He has made me very creative. He has given me greater appreciation for the good days, when I am mentally stable. I have a greater appreciation also for anyone who work with us that are struggling with mental illness. But most importantly, it has given me more compassion to the mentally ill and the disabled.

When I was 13 I accepted Jesus as my savior. Now I question myself if it was out of fear of a punishing God, or out of a true belief and love for him. Another thing to think about and discuss with my counselor.

The question is still “why did God allow me to have these mental illnesses?”. I want to think it was to make me appreciate the people and things I have in my life. However, the main reason I think he allowed it too happen was to bring me into a better relationship with him, now that I am beginning to believe that He is a loving God!

Resiliency

Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from tough or bad situations.

I heard this word many times but did not fully understand it’s meaning. It wasn’t untilI personally had to try to “bounce back”  from bad situations and circumstances that I came to truly understand it.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder in 2004. It turned my life up-side down. I was in a profession I loved dearly, but I had to quit when the Bipolar became too troublesome. I was put on SSI Disability then. I had suddenly lost all sense of who I was as a person. I didn’t deal with tis well, I didn’t know how too.

In 2011, my two youngest children were taken by CPS because I could no longer take care of them. I  had Lithium poisoning and was not able to take care of myself, or my house, but most importantly my family, both physically and financially. Always being strong in my faith in God, at this time I grew to hate God for allowing me to have the Bipolar, and for taking my sons away. Once again, I did not know anyting about being resilient.

I started seeing my life-saving counselor at that time. She helped me through figuring out how to deal with all this. She helped me see that I shouldn’t hate God, that this was all a part of his masterplan. She helped me to gain my faith back. I prayed every day that God would help me through this, for me to learn to be more resilient. With the guidance of my counselor I began to learn about resilience. 2 1/2 years later when I had come to accept the fact that I would not see my children again, God brought them back into my life by his working through other people. God had answered prayer in a huge way, and I had learned to be more resilient in the process!

I am in a situation again in my life where I am struggling with my faith and being resilient. It makes me think of Job of the Bible. Job was a very wealthy man. God allowed many bad things to happen to Job. His family, cattle, sheep, and everything he owned. He kept up his faith and in the end, God blessed him greatly. Job was resilient.

I am still learning about being resilient. Someday I want to be as resilient as Job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Day!

One day

one day I dream

that we will not

be defined by

our mental illness.

One day I dream.

 

One day

One day I dream

that we will

be seen for

who we really are.

Kind, caring,

intelligent, strong!

One day

One day I dream.

 

Bipolar- If You Can’t See It, It Doesn’t Exist (according to many)

I just don’t understand people. Even the ones closest to you. How many of you with a mental illness have experienced a time when someone doesn’t believe you are really sick? I know I have.

People often don’t believe you are sick because they can’t actually “see” the illness as you can others. You can see the effects of cancer, diabetes, broken bones, but it is hard to see Bipolar unless you are having an episode. Even then when you are manic they just think you are feeling really good. When you are depressed they think you are a little low. They don’t see the anguish that is going on in your mind.

A couple of months ago I had a close family member tell me that having bipolar is nothing compared to arthritis. That, basically, I never hurt from it. it hurt me badly for this person to say that. I wish this person could go through some time in my shoes. I think that they would see that you do hurt, and it is not a hurt that can be completely healed. You know you will have more episodes, but not when they will occur. Sure, some medications help, but they don’t cure the illness. How would they feel if they had a life sentence to mental and emotional pain?

I really almost went into a verbal rage at this person for saying basically that Bipolar is a joke, you don’t hurt from it like you do other physical diseases. I kept telling myself to keep my cool, keep my cool. I tried to tell them how Bipolar does hurt. How you want to try to kill yourself because the episodes are so bad. How you hurt so bad mentally that you just want a way out. Any way out. When you are hearing voices that are telling you to “end it all” that you need to hurt yourself, I call that being in pain!

Some days you can’t function at all because your mind is racing, or you are having visual hallucinations,  Some days you just feel like screaming to try to stop the emotional pain. But yet If you can’t see it , it isn’t really a real disease!

Even worse, when some one tells you they understand how you are feeling! Only if you have the mental illness can you truly understand! It really bothers me for people to say that. They don’t have a clue as to what it is like. Once again, if only they could walk in our, the mentally ill, steps could they have a clue  as to what it is like!

Is there an answer to this problem of people thinking that Bipolar, or any other mental illness, doesn’t cause you pain? Or, that they say they understand?  Education, education, and more education!

Please pray that people will gain some understanding!